Maybe some of you fine folks noticed that I haven’t blogged in a few months. I missed keeping you informed of how I laughed all the way to the sanitarium. Well life has been very rich to say the least. I have two new fingers, well kinda new. I attacked my old ones accidently, when I lost all connection between my head and body, and in particular my heart. I lost my temper and stabbed down on a cutting board while cutting carrots and severed my pinky and ring finger tendons because my birthday celebration didn’t go as planned. It took a millisecond to do so much damage, the cuts looked insignificant yet my two fingers were instantly paralyzed.
The truth was I hadn’t really made a plan for my birthday, I’d expected poor hubby to conjure up the perfect experience alone. In the end, we had a sick kid to deal with and that took priority. Yet my inner three-year-old self felt neglected and had a tantrum because she didn’t get her way. I had forgotten to nurture her as the adult.
Oh boy this confession idea is tricky. So my writing production declined severely as I got my finger tendons reconnected and learnt to reuse them.
I am very fortunate in comparison to people dealing with major health altering events. A plastic hand surgeon repaired my pinky for five hours. Just imagine how tiny the inner workings of a pinky are and his patience and commitment. I’m very grateful for his expertise, skill and due diligence. I had promised myself that I would never have plastic surgery, well look where that got me. At least my hand was being held for the entire time, I couldn’t have asked for better service. The adorable surgeon was meticulous and said “Despite your best efforts you haven’t ruined all my hard work.” I didn’t really follow the post- operative protocol as shopping bags are heavy and can’t be ignored.
I’ve also been under the care of an amazing occupational therapist, who has given me every finger stretching torture device you could imagine and my fingers can move again. I hope to regain at least 95.5% of my fingers’ former abilities and for that I am very grateful.
My hand accident has been a tremendous gift to me. Throughout this premenopausal period, I’ve focused on healing a lot of old hurts, a divine time to do this kind of work. Childhood traumas take a tremendous amount of work to accept. But I’m even more determined to come closer to that illustrious inner peace thingy-me-bob. Closure is impossible but a calm mind is something that I can aim for.
I’ve had a lot of time to think and I realized that I need to be more independent and enjoy having more space in general. Most importantly I want to create some personal finances. Staying-at-home reduced my self-esteem so I need to take steps to improve this. Yikes!
My hubby is very supportive but I know it’s time to take baby steps in the right direction. I dream of being a successful writer one day and of making a decent salary but I need multiple income sources to feel secure.
I’ve managed to finish my first steps by certifying as a Yoga Instructor. I completed the beginner’s 200 hour course despite my hand injury and soul searching. I’ve taught one garden class so far and loved it. It’s more frightening than standing in front of 30 teenagers teaching in a classroom setting. Who knew!
Although I still spend an inordinate amount of time bending and torturing my fingers and thinking I should be doing something more, I can type again. So I’m back to editing and reworking my novel’s chapters. Sometimes I feel stuck and other days I fly through chores, exercise, dog-walks and start editing before lunch. Those days are too few right now, I’m plagued by a lack of focus. It’s frustrating.
Therefore I decided to research specific personality traits in order to make sense of my dawdling and anger impulses. There are many different character types and I resonated towards the three below:
- Securely centered adults tend to have positive views of themselves, their partners and their attachments. They feel comfortable with intimacy and independence, and balance them fairly easily. I am occasionally in this category.
- Stressed out – Overthinking adults seek a lot of intimacy, approval and responsiveness from partners, often being needy. They tend to be less trusting, have less positive views about themselves and their loved ones, and may show high levels of emotional expressiveness, stress and impulsiveness in their relationships. Oh dear this is more like it and sadly I can put my hand up to much of this description. Sigh. Deep breath, where’s my chamomile tea?
- Fearful-avoidant adults have mixed feelings about close relationships, both desiring and feeling uncomfortable with emotional closeness. They do not trust their partners and view themselves as unworthy. This sounds self-absorbed and I guess I am because I write about myself a lot, yet it pains me to accept that a part of me is a fearful avoidant adult.
In an attempt to be truthful in my blog I admit that I veer towards the last two behaviors. I’m a fearful, angry person at times and that’s a very hard statement for me to accept. I’ve been very independent most of my life until I met my hubby and I’ve grown a bit frazzled and complacent looking after kids for 14 years. So as they grow up and need me less I can focus on being more purposeful and less stressed with more time for ME.
Therefore, I’m facing the second part of my life and bringing the idea of transformation to center stage. I have new, slightly stiff fingers, a saggy belly and greying hair. I’ve decided to embrace this aging process so I’m going to let my hair dye grow out.
Dr. Mercola recently claimed that 90% of toxic chemicals are absorbed into the body via the mouth or skin. Toxins shrivel up my precious brain cells. I need to protect my brain when I can. Perhaps I’ll still have my pink streaks from time to time as they make me smile. I’m not going completely natural just yet.
I’m also trying to be more grateful to everyone and kinder. I have a mean angry streak and I don’t like it but I can focus on the better parts of the rest of me.
So I’m offering myself more self-love, pats on the back and self-massage on Mother earth (spiraling and circling on my back does wonders for anxiety).
I am learning to recognize and have little chats with my inner angry three-year-old and my hormonal grumpy teen-self. They both need adult validation, support and love.
Here are some of the tools I use to reduce stress:
EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) tap on your head, face and chest midline meridians and say the mantra “Despite the fact I’m a grumpy bear sometimes, I deeply love and accept myself.” If you say if enough times you begin to believe it. Check it out on U tube for a more detailed description.
MIRROR WORK – I say “I love you” in the mirror when I remember. It makes me smile.
THERAPY – I see my therapist weekly and love her because she tells me I’m charming.
YOGA – learning more about the yoga world and having a regular practice is one the best changes I’ve ever made. I’ve only touched the surface but it’s transformed my breathing, standing, posture and mood. Never mind, helping firm the saggy parts.
MEDITATION – I have been listening to the Insight Timer Ap’s inspiring guided meditations on a regular basis, sometimes while walking the dog or brushing my teeth.
ANIMAL CARE – I’m trying to be more compassionate to our pup, who represents a frightened younger part of myself. It took me 20 minutes to persuade him to take a walk last night. But I took the time even though it was 10p.m. and I was exhausted. When he’s hiding under his bush and refusing to come out I may have called him “little fucker” but hey I’m human.
READING – I believe in reading self-help books. Two recommendations are Calm Cure by Sandy Newbigging and The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron.
This was a tricky blog to write. Procrastination and admitting my weaknesses aren’t easy yet Perfection is so boring!
I claim my right to be a permanent work in progress.
I hope it inspires you to think about your needs, and what you want to work on next.
Please let me know what reduces your stress and helps you overcome procrastination.
Keep smiling it transfers positive energy – there’s a shortage!